meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
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