I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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