Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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