I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I have post one night stand depression
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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