i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize