someone owes me an orgasm
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
