When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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