why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize