At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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