oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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