she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize
