I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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