Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
