shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
