I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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