If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
