I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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