im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Houston, we have a squirter
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize