I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
