Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
