Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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