We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
