That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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