i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
