and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
