i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
