so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
