I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize