youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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