She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
