She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Randomize
