I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
