remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
