I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
