My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
BRING THE BAGELS
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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