There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
