I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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