a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
