He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
