Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
