Your tits are I can't wait for
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize