At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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