i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
