she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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