Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
