babies were throwing up all over the place
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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