I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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