my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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