im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
