I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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