I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
