On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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