So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
