Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
