your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Randomize