I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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