Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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