I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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