I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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